Captain Cloofy

A special entry for Koob

Winter you guys!! Well, almost. Today I have a super exciting entry about knitting. As of November last year I am all about knitting.

The awesome thing about knitting is that it's really easy but noone does it, so people are really impressed when they compliment you hat/scarf/testicle cosy and you say "oh thanks, I made it myself!"

My grandma had taught me years ago and I knitted a dodgy rectangle and abandoned it but I taught myself some new techniques from YouTube last November and now my house is filled with little hats and scarfs and kindle cases.

My first ever project! Sort of awward to photograph but it's a scarf, I used two strands of yarn together to get the television fuzz look.

Knitting is so much fun, so cheap you won’t believe it and easier than you’ll think. Also, a pair of hand knitted mittens is apparently an awesome present that costs you like $5 and a Sunday to make.

One of my current projects, a hat with raised stripes. Boyfriend is the recipient of most of my knitted things.

If you’ve never knitted before, you can learn to make a scarf or something in about three YouTube videos. You need to learn to “cast on”, knit, and then “cast off”. For bonus points you can do purling (a slightly different stitch) and then you have all the skills you need for basic stuff. Reading patterns looks like a headache at first but the better sites and magazines have a little guide to understand them. I reccommend ravelry, it has heaps of free patterns that you can browse by category of item or type of knitting.

Another site, whitegirlknits is really good for simple patterns and pictures of a pretty girl wearing hats. Try knitting! It’s awesome!

Thanks heaps to kooby who gifted me this lovely blog and domain, he is the best!

ZOMG UNI HOLIDAYS!!!

I finished my last exam last week, so now I have all the time in the world to blog about rubbish. So chuffed. Today I have some handy tips for some of you and some sarcastic and angry tips for some others.

I’ll start things off on a brighter note, and talk about food. Specifically, how to feed yourself on a budget and not kill yourself or start passing out due to malnutrition. So here we go.

First, pick a staple such as rice, lentils, or pasta. The carbohydrates are an excellent source of your daily energy and they are super cheap.

Next, you need fresh vegetables. This is the cheapest and healthiest way to eat them. Look for what’s on sale, but basics like carrots, onions, potatoes and broccoli are always decently priced. Keep in mind what your dietary needs are, if you don’t eat meat like me, leafy greens such as spiniach, bok choy and broccoli are great sources of iron and protein. Capsicum is good for your heart. Potatoes and sweet potatoes are high in carbohydrates which is good if you have an active lifestyle. Vegetables are also an important source of dietary fibre, especially if you leave the skin on. That’s probably enough vegetable propaganda from me, I’m eating vege fritters and I can’t help it.

Seasoning food is important, to make your food edible. Salt and pepper are obvious basics, and you can buy a little container of mixed herbs at the supermarket for a few dollars that will last forever.

When buying meat, it’s best to try for at least medium quality, especially for things like mince, which are just full of fat if you buy the lower quality stuff. I don’t eat meat (this is way cheaper anyway), but if you do, its often best to buy the biggest sized package of whatever it is you want, then freeze it.

Ultimately, the best way to save money on food is to make a big batch of something, then freeze it in portions. You then have all the dinners you need for the next week/fortnight/decade ready after three minutes of microwaving.

Try lentils with tomato, capsicum, red onion and green beans; you can lightly fry the veges in the bottom of the pot, then add the lentils with some water and a stock cube. The lentils will break down a bit and you will end up with a hearty soupy thing. Try it with toast.

Risotto is another good one, there are plenty of recipes online and you can cram all the veges and meat in there you want!

Chili (i.e., mince with beans and tomato and such) is cheap as chips and easy to freeze in portions (similarly you can make a batch of bolognese or carbonara sauce and then just cook pasta on the night you want it.

As a special treat, here’s a link to the aforementioned vegetable fritter recipe:

http://www.taste.com.au/recipes/13773/vegetable+fritters

Now that I’m good and hungry, I have another important note for everyone. IF YOU HAVE RIGHT OF WAY, JUST GO. It’s not about chivalry, you don’t sit there and politely tell me “no, it’s ok, you go”. That’s not how road rules work. Walking home from the shops today, I was waiting to cross the road near a roundabout, and some dude stops right in the middle of said roundabout, with another car behind him, and beeps at me then motions for me to cross the road. This isn’t “being polite”, this is being dangerous, holding up the traffic behind you and ultimately wasting everyones time. Ugh, people. hahah.

Ciao for now lovlies!

Train: 5:13pm

Song: I think I lost my headache by Queens of the Stone Age

The heavy tinting on the windows plus the fact that it’s early evening (and the fact that the windows are filthy) give everything a wonderful grainy, shadowy quality. There are large dark clouds coverging in the east and to the west, but not directly over my train carriage. An ibis just flew overhead, and the extreme light angle made it look nearly black. It had all ragged feathers, and creepy long toes, so it had this eerie, prehistoric vibe. I’m now pretending that the dinopocalypse happened a few years ago, forcing the human civilizations into underground colonies to survive. Due to an earthquake, my old colony was destroyed and so the survivors and I are on this armored train heading to a new colony. However, I’m not heading to a cool terran colony to join a rag tag team of bad asses and take down the corrupt asshole dictator with kung fu and awesome one liners. I’m on a train. In f***ing Morayfield. The song is over now, but it went pretty awesomely with the time it took me to write this.

Adios kids!

Mum, if you’re reading this, I totally asterisked out the bad word!

Hi you guys!

I have some totally awesome new friends to blog about today, the first and foremost being o-black-utan. O-black-utan is a culturally insensitive, fictional orangutan. He is also a ninja with street smarts. I am pretty much taking dictation right now, o-black-utan being the creation of my boyfriend who makes food for people. I thought today I’d introduce the character, and then perhaps write out a little adventure for him and see how that goes. Look out world, o-black-utan is coming.

Next, we have a significantly lamer friend. The canned soup fairy. Picture this: It’s a bright, sunny day (or if you’re like me and my pale friends, it’s a non-threatening, overcast day), and everyone is out and about. “Look!” a nearby chum cries, “It’s the lolly fairy!” and sure enough, you incline your head upwards to see delicious candy raining down from the sky above, and you can make out the silhouette of the lolly fairy, gently smiling down at you, existing just to make your day brighter. You know the true meaning of bliss.
Later that week, you’re driving home from work, it’s a crappy, humid day, your radio is acting up and all you can find is vaguely offensive am talk back, and all you have to come home to is washing up and another early start tomorow. Next thing you know you’re rather uncomfortably wearing much of your own windscreen, as the rest cascades down around you, and you see the catalyst – a tin bearing the label “cream of mushroom” casually occupying your passenger seat. You look up to notice a haggard, panting figure standing on the overpass above you, arm still outstretched from his throw. Nobody likes the canned soup fairy.

Until next time folks!

Greetings and salutations!

Zomg, Cloofy has recently moved to some new living quarters, they’re much closer to Uni and my housemates are pretty cool. I spend much of my time eating lollies. My absolute favourite at the moment, is Allen’s Classic Party Mix. Not to be confused with Allen’s Party Mix or Allen’s Retro Party Mix, ACPM is possibly the greatest combination of delicious candy ever. It has race-cars, it has pineapples, it has strawberries and cream, it has snakes, it has teeth and it has jelly babies. I will point out that APM has snakes, but they suck, they’re not soft enough and they’re all chubby. APC also has peaches and cream, but its a worthwhile sacrifice, as they barely put any in anyway. The same goes for coke bottles in ARPM. ACPM is definitely classic for a reason. RACECARS Y’ALL!!!!

Meanwhile, today I’m totally going to write about the Sacred Band of Thebes, the Village people of elite combat. The Sacred Band of Thebes was the elite forces of the Theban army, from 378BC to 338BC when they were annihilated by Phillip of Macedon (Alexander the Great’s father). The basic idea was that people fighting along side their lovers would fight so much harder than people fighting based on allegiance to a country or money.  This seems a pretty jaded and sociopathic way to “use” people in love, but it was the 4th Century BC, and people just kind of rolled with that. In any case, it worked and The Sacred Band of Thebes totally pwned everyone for about 40 years. They’re now buried under a lion statue. You will never be as awesome as them. I’m sorry.

Hasta luego chicos!

Bit of pop culture for y’all today!

Cloofy doesn’t actually like listening to The Grass Roots, like everyone else in this paddock. I’m basically a bovine hipster. So right now I’m going to tell you about two awesome movies that are awesome and everyone should watch them. The first is kung fu hustle. This movie is HILARIOUS! It’s set in China in the 40′s, but has this like, western gangster feel about it. Old timey gangsters this is, think tommy guns and fedoras, not saggy pants and colour coded scarves. The scariest gang is the axe gang, who have a sweet dance scene early on. There are two guys who want to join the axe gang, but kind of suck. Also a crappy slum villiage place with a crazy lady in charge. Then lots of kung fu and cool stuff. Line of choice: “Who’s throwing handles?!”. The other awesome film you should watch this week is called Tokyo Gore Police. It’s about some girl called Ruka, and is set in dystopian future Japan where the police force has been privatized and apparently now dress like metal samurai. There are also these crazy mutants called engineers who grow crazy weapons whenever they get injured. Everything stops making sense from there on. Brilliantly b-grade. Scene of choice: (Narrator explains about how her dad is a cop and awesome) “When I grow up, I’m going to be just like him”. *Smiling image of her dad salutes, then his head explodes*. I wouldn’t watch this one with the family, it involves surgically modified sex workers and severed head soccer. When I say surgically modified, there is a girl made to look like a snail, she has a shell and her eyes are on stalks. I am not making this up. Watch it.

My other advice for the week is to find yourself an awesome crafty friend. Not crafty like, coniving and kind of a butt, like, a person who can do craft. I have one such friend, and she crocheted me a beret. She even asked how big I wanted it as it’s hard to wear hats when you have horns. She is the most awesome girl ever, and so I am writing this for her. It is important for everyone to have a totally awesome and classy friend, that friend that tells you to stop drinking when you’ve had enough, and tells you not to buy those really strappy heels even though “I know I won’t look like a sex worker”. So Eddie-chan, and similar people eveywhere, thankyou for making the world a better, not hookery place. <3

Cloofy OUT

Hey you guys!

Being a bull, I’m not huge on the consumption of beef. That’s creepy dudes. When I’m not eating grass, I love to eat tofu! Sometimes people say they don’t like tofu. These people are LYING!!! There’s a bazillion different types of tofu, and all of them are awesome. Except spicy tofu, it’s like eating fire.  Cloofy’s favourite type of tofu is silken tofu, you can totally mash it up into things for extra protein if you don’t have much in whatever you’re eating. Tofu is insanely high in protein, and (for having so much protein) is crazy low in calories! It’s cholesterol free, reasonably low fat and is hella cheap! (Please don’t eat me!)

Next on my boviney agenda is awkward bus people. I had the privilege of spending monday afternoon on a bus with a guy attempting to get my phone number. NOTE TO AWKWARD BUS GUY: I’m not interested in boxing and I don’t think it’s cool or sexy that you don’t read books! Let me go back to my novel now! If you have to catch busses or trains on a regular basis, you know these people. It’s uncomfortable, but sometimes avoidable! Here are some hints and tips!

1. HEADPHONES!!
Headphones are large and obvious, you can feign not hearing someone, and if they are really persistent in getting your attention, you can just shout “I can’t hear you!!”, and they’ll decide you’re way too rude to talk to anyway.

2. Bag!
This isn’t always possible on more crowded services, but is perfect for a quiet train or bus. Sit in the seat in the aisle, and put your bag in the seat by the window. People won’t shuffle past you AND ask you to move your bag just to sit next to you when there are several other available seats. Mostly…

3. Phone!
OK, worst case scenario, somebody is extremely fixated on talking to you, and you honestly find them odorous/ morally reprehensible/ actually a fan of Chris Brown or Akon. They may be oblivious to all social norms and logical behaviour, but they physically cannot talk to you if you’re TOTALLY TALKING TO SOMEONE ELSE ALREADY! You can go the old “pretend to text” route, or, as I like to do, send someone a warning text (creep on train, about to call, help!), then call them! I try to keep several phone buddies, they are my dearest friends in times of awkwardness!

Follow these tips and you will avoid a plethora of uncomfortable conversations with people who think picking up on the 5 o’clock service to Ipswich is a cool idea.

Lovely love to you all!

-Cloofy

Greetings and salutations folks!

Today I am writing about dusk. Not the nice time of day when the clouds are neat colours, but the candle franchise. If you aren’t familiar with dusk stores, they sell $4 tea light candles in fifty different colours as well as an array of candle holders, scented wax, candle extinguishers and wick trimmers. WICK TRIMMERS. Upon purchasing an amazingly expensive candle from dusk, you will be asked “have you used our candles before?” and you may wonder what love and care dusk puts into these unique candles that they might require special instruction. You would be far better off wondering why that chick at the end of titanic didn’t just pull Jack up onto the raft thing too, or at least hold on, what is her deal? Dusk candles are EXACTLY like any other candle you have ever used. You hold some form of open flame to the end of the wick until it catches fire, then extinguish your original flame source and enjoy your burning candle. After you are done making your living room smell like lavender or eating your romantic dinner or using toothpicks to roast little tiny marshmallows (this is certainly what you should be doing), extinguish the candle. A thorough research investigation quick google search told me that mankind has been using fire for over 500 000 years. If you are reading this you can presumably operate some kind of computer and are literate. I trust completely in your ability to operate a candle, from dusk or elsewhere. Dusk – I am not spending $40 on a wick trimmer. At no point will I spend this sort of money on what is effectively a pair of scissors which only performs one of the scores of tasks a regular pair of scissors could accomplish.

Fare theewell chicos!

Hi guys!

I’m writing this post for veterinary technician, who left a very sweet comments under one of my posts. Later, I will link his or her blog, but at the moment my eyes hurt. Bulls have eyes on either side of their head, it’s useful for scanning for predators, but sucks for depth perception and typing.

First of all, my cats. Zeus and Tyger. Zeus is siamese or oriental (not sure), Tyger is tonkinese (you’ll have to google that yourself, it’s a type of little brown cat). As mentioned in my last post, I am currently house sitting, and Zeus is being suspiciously affectionate. He keeps cuddling me in my sleep, which is difficult as I sleep standing up, in a stable. He sits on me when I watch television. I am worried he plans to steal my possessions. Or murder me. What do I do to make him spare my life? I hope he doesn’t read my blog.

Now that it’s twenty-eleven, I can talk about really futuristic things, like lazers (which I spell with a “z”) and travelators. “Cloofy, you senile bovine!” I hear you yell “what in the name of Hathor is a travelator?” Well, a few days ago I was in some shopping center. Not one of the nice ones, with a David Jones as the main part, or sweet Christmas decorations that they put up too early, but a nasty shopping center, with “discount” stores everywhere, and weird tacky clothing stores that also sell cheap jewelery and cuff links that are jars of marmite and boobs. One cool thing it had, was a “travelator” instead of an “escalator”. I wish to continue this futuristic trend. So I’m going to go take a sip from my refresherator of coke, then get up from my swivelback leg deburdenator and use the radiationator to cook my noodles. Later I’ll observe the pixel displayer to watch Tokyo Gore Police and read an informationator.

Adios blogerators!

Cloofy is house sitting! I am totally like a bridge troll! *Jehova’s witness* “Hey can I come in?” *Cloofy* “NNOOOOOOOO! TROLL NOISES!!!”. I totally get to answer the phone and make decisions about what information I give them! I also have to make sure all the things don’t die. There are two cats, seven fish (one catfish), and some pot plants outside.

Meanwhile, everyone in Brisbane has significantly soggy toes. My house is still dry, but some friends are going to be making insurance claims soon.. I hope everyone is OK, and that the death toll doesn’t rise anymore.

I’m off to dry my toes and feed all the things that need food. Lovely love! Hasta Luego!